I Looked Up a Statistic to Feel Hopeful

A while ago I wrote a post called “day by day.”

I said I need to be reminded to take it day by day. Then, a few lines later, I said I crave to be loved and want to love someone.

And right after that I said I don’t believe in love anymore, because of what I’d seen with the couples around me.

I wrote those two sentences back to back and kept going, like they didn’t contradict each other.

They do. And rereading it now, I can tell you which one is louder. It’s the one that says I don’t believe in love anymore.

I’m not going to dress that up.

Here’s what I keep coming back to. Back then I didn’t decide to believe in anything. I looked up a statistic. The divorce rate had gone down since 2010, and I wrote, “Gives me a little hope for sure.”

I needed a number to give me permission.

But a graph can’t tell you anything about your own life.

So where does my hope go now, if it isn’t in a number? It leans toward God. I believe he has someone for me. That’s a belief, not a fact. I can’t prove it and I’m not going to try.

It’s quieter than the doubt. But it’s stubborn.

And I notice the two don’t cancel each other out. I can not believe in love and still believe I’m not walking this alone. I haven’t worked out how those fit together. Maybe they don’t have to.

I still don’t know how this goes. Day by day is the only honest answer I’ve got.

LIFE IS UNKNOWN_